Political Minute: Political Humour

“’The Hunger Games’ is opening this weekend. The movie is based on the books where people are chosen in a lottery to compete in a televised battle to the death. Why can't we do this to the Republican primaries? Wouldn't that be great?” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney got a big endorsement this week. The bad news: It was from Etch A Sketch.” –Jay Leno

 

“Did you see the story about the mother duck and her ducklings helped through a a fence at the White House property? The Secret Service pushed the little ducks through the fence. Of course, the Secret Service checked to make sure the ducks had donated enough money to President Obama's re-election campaign.” –Jay Leno

 

“Jeb Bush has come out and endorsed Mitt Romney. He said it was the hardest decision he's had to make since endorsing his brother, George W.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich today said he’s jealous because the only tool he ever gets compared to is a dildo.” –Bill Maher on Mitt Romney being compared to an Etch-A-Sketch

"Rick Santorum said he’s not an Etch-A-Sketch. He said what you see is what you get, and also because turning the two knobs is a little too much like playing with boobies.” –Bill Maher

"Then he held up the Etch-A-Sketch and Sarah Palin said, 'Hey, give me back my iPad.'” –Bill Maher

“This law they have in Florida, this “stand your ground’ law where you can use can use any amount of force if you think there is some amount of perceived threat; good thing they don’t’ have that here because my lawn would be littered with Jehovah’s Witnesses.” –Bill Maher

“New Rule: Now that John Boehner has cried while listening to traditional Irish music at the St. Patrick's Day luncheon it's not funny anymore. Seriously, John, tell us: where did the priest touch you? Show me on the doll.” –Bill Maher

“At the White House this week, President Obama and the first lady hosted a St. Patrick’s Day reception for the Irish prime minister. They had a bartender pouring green beer, which is about as close as the White House has come to creating green jobs so far.” –Jay Leno

“The candidates are choosing their Secret Service code names. Why do they tell us? You’d think that should be secret.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney picked ‘Javelin’ as his Secret Service code name. Rick Santorum chose ‘Petris’ because that’s his grandfather’s name. Barack Obama chose ‘Gas prices are not my fault.’” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday was a crazy day for Tim Tebow. They said he was with the Jets, then they said there was a snag, he might not be. Then they said he could go with the Rams or with the Jaguars. The last two days he's been traded back and forth more than Rod Blagojevich on that first night in prison.” –Jay Leno

“There are reports that John Edwards visited a brothel here in New York while running for president and paid with campaign funds. Do you realize what this could do to his reputation? Absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing to that man’s reputation.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Santorum wants to ban pornography. That's one of the few thriving industries America has left." –David Letterman

"This weekend President Obama will visit the border that separates North and South Korea. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich will visit the border that separates the KFC from the Taco Bell." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is calling on Iran to give its citizens better access to the Internet. Right now they only have one social networking site: 'Cover-Your-Face Book.'" –Jimmy Fallon

When I heard the Republicans were in President Obama's home state, I said, 'They're holding a primary in Kenya?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Some top Republicans are urging Newt Gingrich to leave the race, but he says he's sticking around. If they could get him to marry the race, he would probably leave it eventually." –Jimmy Kimmel

“This Wednesday Mitt Romney goes one-on-one in a debate against the one man who stands in the way of his nomination: Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last week a tourist in Puerto Rico took a picture of Rick Santorum shirtless on the beach. I don’t want to say he looked chubby, but his new Secret Service code name is 'Newt Gingrich.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new book, President Obama blames Fox News for his political problems and losing voters. How could Fox News lose voters? If you're watching Fox News, you're probably not voting for him in the first place." –Jay Leno